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Showing posts with label comedy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label comedy. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 03, 2012
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
The best Hollywood Squares answers ever
All This Is That Reheated—from September, 2007
I don't remember ever enjoying any of the quiz shows except Hollywood Squares. It was always interesting to see these B list celebrities, and the screamingly campy, men that Americans hadn't even realized were gay. This show was tawdry, and depressing if you were a glass half-empty type, and hilarious if you could just accept it as good, clean knucklehead fun. The show, and the celebs liked to claim that their answers were completely spontaneous and unscripted. It's clear they were not. Here are a few of the gems that have surfaced on the 'net.
Peter Marshall: Paul, can you get an elephant drunk?
Paul Lynde: Yes, but he still won't go up to your apartment.
Peter Marshall: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Peter Marshall: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Peter Marshall: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Peter Marshall: Prometheus was tied to the top of a mountain by the gods because he had given something to man. What did he give us?
Paul Lynde: I don't know what you got, but I got a sports shirt.
Peter Marshall: What are "Do It," "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.
Peter Marshall: What are "dual purpose" cattle good for that other Cattle aren't?
Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies...but I don't recommend the cookies!
Peter Marshall: If you find someone lying unconscious in the street, should you do anything?
George Gobel: I'd probably crawl around him, I guess.
Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Peter Marshall: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!
Peter Marshall: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Peter Marshall: Eddie, according to the Institute of Motivational Research, a wife should be beware if another woman takes an interest in a certain item of her husband's clothing. What item?
Ed Asner: Well, shorts immediately springs to my mind...
Peter Marshall: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Peter Marshall: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...
Peter Marshall: Is there a weight limit for bags on airline flights in this country?
Charley Weaver: If she can fit under the seat, she can fly.
Peter Marshall: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Peter Marshall: Can boys join the camp fire girls?
Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Peter Marshall: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
Paul Lynde: Make him bark.
Peter Marshall: True or false, George...experts say there are only seven or eight things in the world dumber than an ant.
George Gobel: Yes, and I think I voted for six of 'em.
Peter Marshall: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!
Peter Marshall: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body; what is it?
Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!
Peter Marshall: According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margret would like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait a while. Why?
Paul Lynde: He's out of town.
Peter Marshall: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the question.
Peter Marshall: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Peter Marshall: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.
Peter Marshall: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
Charley Weaver: His feet.
Peter Marshall: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Peter Marshall: Do female frogs croak?
Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water.
Peter Marshall: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake!
Peter Marshall: In a very famous movie who said, "God, what a dump?"
Paul Lynde: Dumbo.
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I don't remember ever enjoying any of the quiz shows except Hollywood Squares. It was always interesting to see these B list celebrities, and the screamingly campy, men that Americans hadn't even realized were gay. This show was tawdry, and depressing if you were a glass half-empty type, and hilarious if you could just accept it as good, clean knucklehead fun. The show, and the celebs liked to claim that their answers were completely spontaneous and unscripted. It's clear they were not. Here are a few of the gems that have surfaced on the 'net.
Peter Marshall: Paul, can you get an elephant drunk?
Paul Lynde: Yes, but he still won't go up to your apartment.
Peter Marshall: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Peter Marshall: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Peter Marshall: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Peter Marshall: Prometheus was tied to the top of a mountain by the gods because he had given something to man. What did he give us?
Paul Lynde: I don't know what you got, but I got a sports shirt.
Peter Marshall: What are "Do It," "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.
Peter Marshall: What are "dual purpose" cattle good for that other Cattle aren't?
Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies...but I don't recommend the cookies!
Peter Marshall: If you find someone lying unconscious in the street, should you do anything?
George Gobel: I'd probably crawl around him, I guess.
Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Peter Marshall: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!
Peter Marshall: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Peter Marshall: Eddie, according to the Institute of Motivational Research, a wife should be beware if another woman takes an interest in a certain item of her husband's clothing. What item?
Ed Asner: Well, shorts immediately springs to my mind...
Peter Marshall: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Peter Marshall: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...
Peter Marshall: Is there a weight limit for bags on airline flights in this country?
Charley Weaver: If she can fit under the seat, she can fly.
Peter Marshall: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Peter Marshall: Can boys join the camp fire girls?
Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Peter Marshall: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
Paul Lynde: Make him bark.
Peter Marshall: True or false, George...experts say there are only seven or eight things in the world dumber than an ant.
George Gobel: Yes, and I think I voted for six of 'em.
Peter Marshall: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!
Peter Marshall: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body; what is it?
Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!
Peter Marshall: According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margret would like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait a while. Why?
Paul Lynde: He's out of town.
Peter Marshall: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the question.
Peter Marshall: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Peter Marshall: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.
Peter Marshall: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
Charley Weaver: His feet.
Peter Marshall: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Peter Marshall: Do female frogs croak?
Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water.
Peter Marshall: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake!
Peter Marshall: In a very famous movie who said, "God, what a dump?"
Paul Lynde: Dumbo.
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Saturday, March 26, 2011
Thursday, March 04, 2010
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Scott Quigley's Indecent Proposal Video
[Editor's note] I don't know anything about the provenance of this video, nor who the director Scott Quigley is, or if he committed this short to the public domain. Scott, if you're out there. . .let me know. I found the video on Atom films, with no info about the director.
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Thursday, August 16, 2007
The Whitest Kids U Know
My son Del pointed this video out to me last night, hoping I wasn't quite as creepy a boss as the one on the vid. This is very funny stuff, and hey seem to have dozens more on You Tube...
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